Cry
by Jessica12
Summary: PART 3- Rise- John Doggett tries to pick up the pieces of his broken self and continue with his life
1. Default Chapter

Title: Cry   
Author: Jessica ( j_rothen@yahoo.se )  
Rating: PG  
Category: Doggett angst, V  
Feedback: Yes please, j_rothen@yahoo.se  
Spoiler: None  
Archive: Wherever, just let me know where  
Website: www.geocities.com/jlovesxfiles  
Summary: Doggett finds his son dead.   
Disclaimer: The X-files, Mulder and Scully belong   
to FOX and they are not mine.  
Note: English is not my first language so spelling/grammar   
mistake may occur.  
  
Dark clouds came in from the west and brought with it cold   
rain. The sun went in hiding behind the clouds and left the  
earth in the mercy of the rain.  
I'm standing by the window watching the rain come down outside.  
It has been raining for days now or at least it feels like   
that. But I don't care. The sky could be falling and I still  
wouldn't care.   
I can hear her moving around upstairs. I know I should go to   
her. I should be there by her side and hold her. I should be  
the strong one. But I just want to stand here for a while and  
take in the world. I just want to stand here and feel if I'm  
still alive. Or am I just a ghost that moves around this house?  
I feel myself fading away with every breath I'm taking. I just  
wish that death would come and take me away. I want to   
surrender to this pain. But I know that I can't and I won't let  
myself go. She needs me still. I will not leave her side.   
  
Her voice is just a whisper as she says my name. I'm standing  
in the doorway to our bedroom. She is laying on the bed still   
dressed in her nightgown. Her face is pale and her hair has   
lost the shine it once had. I know that she's fading away from  
me as I'm fading away from her.   
I wish I could save her but I know I can't.   
I can't save anyone.   
She reaches out for me and I go to her. Her eyes is so dark  
and hollow that I fear that I'm going to drown if I look at   
her. She sits up and takes my hand in hers. Her hand is cold  
in mine. Without saying a word I place my arms around her. She  
feels so fragile in my arms. I fear that if I hold her too   
tight she is going to break. It feels so good to hold her.   
Her voice is just a whisper as she speaks.  
" John, I don't know if I can take this."  
" Yes, you can. We can make it together."  
" I'm not strong like you."  
" Yes, you are. You are the strongest person I have ever   
known."  
" You lie. "  
" He'll come back to us. You have to believe that."  
" I don't know if I can. "  
" Yes, you can."  
" Oh, John. Just hold me. Never let go".   
I hold her like my life is depending on it. I can almost hear  
the beating of her heart.   
I lay her down on the bed and lay down beside her. I watch as  
she closes her eyes and let the dreams take her away from this  
world. I caress her cheek and whisper her name into the dark.   
I hope it's beautiful where she is. She needs her sleep. She   
needs to find peace.   
When I know she's sleeping calmly I slip from the bed. I know  
that I will not find peace in the sweet release of sleep. My  
dreams are without control.   
My legs feels like made of iron as I move through the house  
towards his room. My hands are shaking as I open the door. I   
stand in the doorway afraid to go in. I can feel his presence  
so strong as I enter the room. My feelings is so strong that   
it almost makes me grasp for air.   
The room is left like he never left. The bed is made and if   
you look closely you can almost see that is made by a child's   
hand. I remember when he first learned how to make his own   
bed. He was so proud than. As soon as I got home that day he  
came to get me.   
" Daddy! Daddy! Come and see!" He shouted and took my hand.   
He brought me upstairs and showed me the bed. His whole face  
was shining like a star.   
I can still see him standing there looking so proud.   
I walk around the room taking everything in. I run my hand over  
his desk. My hands are shaking as I pick up a shirt that is   
hanging over a chair. His shirt. I close my eyes as I place it  
against my cheek. His scent is still lingering in the fabric.   
My legs give away as I press my nose into the fabric.   
"My boy".   
I crumble to the floor.   
" My little boy......"  
I want to scream out. It feels like I'm going to explode. It  
hurts so.   
Her voice brings me back to reality. She calls out my name.  
She needs me.   
I rise. My legs feel weak as I place the shirt on the chair.   
I have no time for crying. I refuse to cry. There are still   
time. He will come back to me. All I have to do is believe.   
  
The sound of the phone ringing pierced the silence   
of the house.  
I woke slowly. I wanted to linger in the sweet release of my  
dreams. I had finally surrendered and fallen asleep.   
It was still dark outside when I rose from the bed. Barbara  
was still sleeping beside me. She had slipped from my grasp   
sometimes during the night. She don't want me to hold her   
anymore. She used to fall asleep in my arms. She said she   
felt so safe there. These days she pushes me away when I want  
to hold her. She doesn't say anything, but I can read in her  
eyes what she is thinking.   
My voice is a bite rugged as I answer the phone.   
Five minutes later I hung up. My hands were shaking and my   
legs felt so weak.   
They had found him. My boy is coming home. Barbara sat up in   
bed and looked at me.   
"What?"  
I just starred at her. I can't believe. I have dreamt about  
this day for so long now that I almost begun to doubt that it  
ever will happen.  
" They have found him. Our boy is coming home. Luke is coming  
home."  
  
I have several medals and prizes on my wall that tells the   
story of a hero. I have fought battles. I have fought enemies  
that I never saw. I have been a fighter, a strong man.   
I have always believed that I could do anything. I could   
survive anything and I could take anything.   
But now when I'm standing here by my car I feel so small.  
I feel so alone.  
The sun has graced us with is presence as I stand here on   
this field in the middle of nowhere. I will forever remember   
this place. It will be branded into my memory until that day  
I die. I know it.   
Monica Reyes is standing just some meters from me. Local police  
has also come.   
I'm not here as an officer of the law. I'm here as a father.  
But I can't make my legs move. They won't move. I cling to the  
car like it could save me for what is to come. I want to stay  
here believing that this will be a happy ending.   
But I know the truth now. They have told me.  
It takes all my strength to move towards the spot where they  
are standing. I have a hard time breathing as they move away.   
He is lying on his stomach. His beautiful eyes is open   
starring into the distance. I can hear Monica Reyes saying my  
name. But I can't speak. My mouth won't move.   
I can't breathe.  
My boy. My Luke.  
I feel myself falling. I fall to my knees beside him.   
The grass is still damp after the rain.   
His hair is longer than I remember. He seems bigger somehow.   
My hands are shaking as I reach out and take his hand in mine.   
It feels so cold. How small it seems in mine, so fragile.   
My boy. My son. My love.   
The sun warms my face as I whisper his name. I know it silly.   
I know it stupid to ever believe. But it looks like he   
sleeping. I have wished for so long to touch him again, to hold  
him again. I reach out my hand and touch his hair, his cheek,  
his face.   
It feels like I'm going to explode. Let the pain   
come. I don't care anymore. Let death come. I don't care.   
How can I survive this? Do I want to?  
" Luke. My boy."   
I lift him up from the damp grass. He won't lay here a minute  
longer. He needs to be warm.  
I don't care what they say. Put me in jail. See if I care.  
I pull him closer to me. I cradle him close to my heart, like  
I used to hold him when he was a baby. He feels so cold against  
my skin, so fragile.   
"My boy. I love you. I will take you away from this place. I   
will get you warm. Daddy is here."  
I rise. My legs feel weak as I carry him away from this place.  
I won't let them take him away once again. I will never let   
go. Not again. Not ever.  
I begin to walk. Silence all around. I can feel their eyes   
on me. Nobody stops me.   
"We are going home now. You are going home now, my son."  
  
I take him to the hospital and let them take him away. But just  
for a while. I stay by his side as long as I can.   
I know what they have to do. I know it's the only way to catch  
the man who did this to Luke. But I don't want anyone touching  
again. I want him to be safe and untouched. I don't want to   
disturb him when his lying there lost in beautiful dreams.   
But I surrender to them and let them take him away.   
I sit down on a chair in the waiting room. I'm still amazed   
that I'm actually standing. Why am I alive?  
Her voice pierces the silence of the hospital. Barbara. She  
runs towards me. Her eyes are dark with pain. Her face is the  
face of a ghost. It will kill her. I have killed her as I   
killed our son. Take me away. Take my life. I don't deserve to  
walk on this earth.  
"Where is he? They won't let me see him! Tell me where he is!"  
I close my eyes for a while to find strength to tell her the   
news that will crush her.   
" Barbara, I...He is..."  
I can't say the words. I can't do that to her. But I don't have  
to. She can see it in my eyes. She stares at me as tears   
makes it presence known.   
" John, no..."  
I reach out my hand to take her in my arms but she refuses.  
"Don't touch me!"  
"Barbara, there where never anything we could do."  
" Don't say that! Our son. Luke!!! "  
She screams out in pain and falls to the floor.  
I have to be strong now. I have to take care of her.   
She needs me now more than ever.  
I take her in my arms and let her cry on my shoulder. I feel  
so numb. I feel dead inside. I feel absolutely nothing.   
"Honey, we will catch the man who did this. Believe me, we will  
catch him."  
She breaks free from my embrace and looks at me.  
" Damn you, John Doggett! Damn you and your job! Our son is   
dead. DEAD!!!!! Luke...You and your god damn job killed him."  
Hate, anger and pain paint her face in different colors.   
" Barbara, I.... Don't.."  
" No! You did this!"  
She screams out my name and comes at me with raised fists. In   
my head a little voice is whispering that she's right. She   
slam her fists against my chest, harder and harder while she  
is screaming that I killed her son. I let her be. I stand there  
and take every blow. For every blow I feel a piece of my heart  
dying. Finally she stops and I reach out my hand to touch her  
but she slips from my grasp.   
" I hate you, John. I will never forgive you for this. "  
She looks at me with so much hate that I almost stumble   
backwards. Then she walks away from me.   
I stand there watching her go, longing to feel her arms   
around me.  
  
The rain came to pay us a visit the day we laid him to rest.   
It was a small service. Just the closest friends and family.   
We laid him to rest on a small hill below an oak-tree. I think  
he would like it.   
Barbara is standing by my side as we listen to the priest  
speaking. She is holding a single red rose to place on his   
coffin. I have one also. It's the only thing I have to cling to.  
I reach out for her hand but she pushes me away. I never   
believed that her pushing me away could hurt so. I never   
believed I could feel anything again. I look at her but she   
avoids my eyes. I want to scream out in pain. I want to call   
out her name. I want her arms around me. I want to cry in her  
arms. I want her to tell me that I didn't kill my own son.   
I want someone to save me from myself. But I know that I'm   
alone.   
I stand there watching them lower the coffin into the grave.   
I kiss the rose and let it carry my message into the dark   
grave.   
" I love you, my son. I will always love you."  
Barbara is standing a long time at the grave. I walk up to her  
and touch her hand.  
" Let me take you home. "  
" Leave me alone, John. Never touch me again. "  
She turns away from me.   
Pain, that old friend of mine, comes to visit.   
  
I walk towards my car through the rain.   
I stand a long time at my car and let the rain washes over me.  
Then finally I surrender to everything and let myself cry.   
In my head a voice is whispering that I'm a killer.   
For the first time in a long time I start to believe.  
  
  
Feedback....please....j_rothen@yahoo.se 


	2. Drifting

Title: Cry (2/?) - Drifting  
Author: Jessica ( j_rothen@yahoo.se )  
Rating: PG  
Category: Doggett/Barbara, Doggett/Reyes, Doggett angst, V  
Feedback: Yes please, j_rothen@yahoo.se  
Spoiler: None  
Archive: Wherever, just let me know where  
Website: www.geocities.com/jlovesxfiles  
Summary: The events after Luke's death and the break-up between  
Barbara and John.  
Disclaimer: The X-files, Mulder and Scully belong  
to FOX and they are not mine.  
Note: English is not my first language so spelling/grammar  
mistake may occur.  
  
I used to dread being alone. I used to hate it. These days  
I embrace it. I hide away from the world like the ghost I am.  
I walk around this house living on the memories.  
She has come several times to take away bite by bite from  
the house. At first I tried to stop her. I tried to reason  
with her, but she wouldn't listen.  
She refused even to look at me.  
  
Days have gone by in a blur. I get up and try to act like it's  
just another day. But then reality hits and I fall back into  
the dark hole that is my own personal hell. Pain is a friend  
of mine these days. I embrace it. It makes me stronger somehow,  
it sharpens my senses.  
They say that time heals all wounds. The one who said that  
knows absolutely nothing. Times don't heal anything. It just  
makes it easier to live with the scares.  
It has been almost a month since we laid him to rest and I  
haven't been able to step inside his room.  
Barbara has come to take some things from his room.  
I haven't objected. I know she needs it. She needs to be close  
to him. I just wish that she could talk to me. I need her  
here beside me. I want to hold her. I want to be held by her.  
But she has pushed me away.  
  
She standing in the doorway to our living-room with a suitcase  
by her side. She is dressed in a dark dress. She looks so  
small, like a breeze could knock her over. Her face is pale  
and her eyes look dead as she looks at me.  
"This is the last things.."  
"Where are you going?"  
I know that I'm not allowed to ask those questions.  
Not anymore.  
But I want to know.  
"I don't know."  
"But..."  
"John, don't."  
I walk up to her and look straight at her.  
"Don't what? Ask you to stay?"  
"John, I need to get out of this place. I can't live here  
anymore. It holds just too many memories."  
"We could get away. We could go abroad. We could go up into  
the mountains. We could..."  
" John...no...I can't go anywhere with you."  
I want to scream out that she belongs by my side. That she  
belongs to me. But I can't. My mouth won't move to say those  
words.  
"But..How can you say that? What about all we had? You are  
still my wife."  
"Can't you see it, John? Don't you know? There is nothing left.  
It died when Luke died."  
"No. I refuse to believe that."  
I reach out my hand but she avoids it. She backs away from me.  
It hurts me more than I can describe.  
"Please, I don't want to hurt you. I just can't be with you  
anymore."  
"Just like that."  
"No. Not just like that. I felt myself dying when we buried  
our son. My heart broke in millions of pieces. I doubt that  
I ever can mend it again. I'm dead inside. I doubt that I  
can ever love anyone again."  
"What about me!? You weren't alone in this. I lost my son also.  
I was there. Remember? How can you say that your heart was  
broken!? Feel this!"  
I take her hand in mine and place it over my heart.  
"Can you feel it, Barbara? It's my heart. It's broken. So how  
can stand there talking about being dead inside. Your not the  
only one."  
"John, please don't do this. I can't..."  
She is crying now. I take her hand in mine. I want to take her  
in my arms and never let her go.  
"I love you. Don't you know that? You are the love of my life."  
Her tears caress her cheeks as she looks up at mine.  
"And you are mine. Don't ever doubt that. Don't ever doubt that  
I love you. I just can't stay here. I just can't be with you.  
I need to be alone."  
Tears make my sight blurry.  
"I need you here. I need you by my side. I need you arms around  
me. I can't make it on my own."  
"I know you can. You're the strongest man I know, John  
Doggett. You're my hero. I believe in you."  
She leans forward and touches my cheek with her lips. I feel  
myself falling.  
"I don't know how to let you go."  
That's the truth. How can I give her up? How can I let her go  
when every bone in my body needs her to stay?  
She takes my hand in hers and looks up at me.  
"You will always live in my heart. You are my first love and  
nothing can ever take that away."  
"Please, don't go. I'll do anything...I..."  
She kisses my hand.  
"Goodbye, John Doggett."  
Then she turns around and walks out of the front door.  
I stand there a long time listening as she drives away.  
  
It took one week for me to realize that she wouldn't come back  
to me. It was hard to give up hoping but I knew that I had to  
let her go.  
I stayed in that house for three weeks then I finally worked  
up the courage to put it on the market to sell.  
I returned to work one month after the death of my son. I  
threw myself into the work of shuffling papers. I returned  
to my old ways. I was back to being the old John Doggett.  
  
Three weeks after I put the house up for auction it was sold  
to a young couple. I moved into a small apartment.  
Moving out of that house was the hardest thing I have ever  
done. Just going through every room sorting through what I  
wanted to keep and what I didn't was hard. I found myself  
close to tears more than one time. That house held so much  
memories that I almost feared letting it go. But I knew that  
I had to do it; otherwise I would perish in my own memories.  
It was all for the best.  
  
I never spoke to Barbara about selling  
the house. The only way I could come in contact with her was  
through her lawyers and they said that she had no objections.  
Ten years of marriage had been reduced to talking through  
lawyers. It hurt more than I could imagine. I still missed her  
more than I thought was possible. I hated the silence of that  
small apartment, so I tried to spend so little time as possible  
there.  
My home became the bars close to my home.  
I have never been much of a drinker. But it came natural to me.  
It was like riding a bike. It's amazing how alcohol can numb the  
pain. I threw myself in the work of numbing the pain. I never  
was drunk at work, though, never. I knew exactly what I was  
doing. I just wanted to make those times after work, when the  
darkness creeps closer, become as blurry as possible. I wanted  
to forget everything. I wanted to numb the pain. I had never  
felt so alone as I sat there with a drink in my hand.  
  
She found me and she saved me. Monica Reyes. Until this day  
I still don't know why she did it or how. She just did it.  
She saved my life. She saved me from myself.  
It was just one of those nights when the ghost from the past  
was bigger than usual. I don't know how she found me. All I  
knew was that I was on my forth drink when she appeared beside  
me in the bar.  
"Mr. Doggett."  
"Ms. Reyes. Or is it Mrs. these days?"  
"You can call me Monica."  
She sat down beside me and smiled at me. She smelled of  
perfume and shampoo. Memories from days gone by came back to  
haunt me. Barbara.  
"What are you doing here, Monica? Slumming?"  
"I can ask you the same."  
"Can't a guy get a drink without anyone's asking."  
"It's just...I didn't picture you as a drinker."  
I smiled at her and raised my glass.  
"Neither did I."  
"I just came to tell you that there's still nothing. But I  
will not rest until we have caught this guy."  
"Oh, give me a break! You really think we ever going to find  
out who did this and catch him. Never. I have stopped believing  
that and I advice you to do the same."  
"Don't say that. You have to believe that we are going to find  
him. You have to. For Luke."  
Anger boiled in me as I turned to her.  
"Don't ever say that. Ever! You don't know what is like. You  
don't!"  
"Yes, I do, John. I do. I have also lost a loved one."  
" You don't know. You can't know what is like waking up every  
night covered in sweat screaming his name. Seeing his face  
before you every time you go to sleep. Hearing him call out  
your name. You can't know. No one can."  
I turned away from her, not wanting her to see the pain in my  
eyes. I just wanted to scream to her to leave me alone. But  
I couldn't. I wouldn't. I needed her. I needed someone. I  
didn't want to go through the night alone again.  
"I'm sorry, John. I didn't know. I just wanted to help."  
I just sat there starring into the distant. The drink  
in front of me was forgotten.  
"You can't help me. Don't you know that? No one can."  
"I can help you. I want to help you. I know one thing. Luke  
wouldn't want his father acting this way. He wouldn't want to  
see you doing this to yourself."  
I looked at her without saying anything. I could see in her  
eyes that she was telling the truth. I wanted to believe her.  
I wanted to cling to her like she could save my life. But I  
doubted that no one could save me. Maybe I was already a lost  
soul. I don't know.  
"Oh, just go away and leave me alone! I don't need you and  
your pity."  
"I don't pity you. But I do want to help you."  
She rose from her chair and addressed the bartender.  
"Let me pay for him."  
I tried to object but she wouldn't hear about it.  
She took my hand and looked at me. Her hand was warm in mine.  
"Let me get you home."  
The warmth of her hand in mine made my legs feel so weak and  
the kindness in her eyes made me surrender to her.  
I rose, put on my jacket and followed her out of the bar.  
  
She drove me home without saying anything. I felt a bite  
embarrassed as I fumbled with my keys to open the door to my  
apartment.  
As I entered I hoped she wouldn't mind the mess. I hadn't  
cleaned since I had moved in. It was piles of dirty dishes in  
the sink and the rest of the apartment screamed out for a  
clean. But I didn't care what she thought about my new home.  
I just headed towards my bedroom and the bed in desperate need  
of sleep. I threw myself on the bed and closed my eyes.  
"I will not give up on you, John Doggett."  
She was standing in the doorway to my bedroom as I opened my  
eyes. I wanted to ask her why but my tired eyes wouldn't have  
it. I closed my eyes and fell asleep.  
  
The sun woke me as it pierced through the bedroom window. I  
woke slowly and sat up. I was still dressed in the things I  
wore yesterday. I smelled horrible and my mouth was all dry.  
I rubbed my eyes and got up.  
She was sitting by my kitchentable with a cup of coffee in one  
hand reading the morningpaper. She looked up and greeted me  
with a smile as I entered the kitchen.  
"Good morning."  
Everything was shining. The dishes in the sink were all gone.  
The windows had been washed and even the floor was shining.  
As I walked through my apartment everything was the same. It  
was cleaned. She had cleaned my home. As I returned to the  
kitchen I just stood there in the doorway starring at her.  
"You cleaned."  
It was the only thing I could say. She just smiled and nodded  
her head.  
"But why?"  
"It needed to be cleaned."  
"But...."  
She was a stranger to me. She was just another police officer.  
But as I looked at her now I knew she was an angel.  
"Just say thank you and we'll be even."  
I wanted to tell her that she had saved me. She was the  
one that had dragged me up from the hell that I was falling  
deeper and deeper into. But I couldn't make my mouth move.  
"Thank you."  
She rose from her chair and smiled at me.  
"You're welcome."  
She turned to get her coat. She was leaving.  
"You're leaving."  
"Yes. I have to get back. It's food in the fridge and coffee  
in the pot. Just help yourself."  
I wanted to ask her to stay but I couldn't do that to her. It  
wasn't fair. I owed her too much to ask for more. So I let her  
go and prayed that she would return.  
" Goodbye."  
Then she left.  
  
Monica Reyes returned several times to my apartment. She came  
every evening after work. She always made me dinner and I  
started to get use to her company.  
Slowly but surely I began to heal. I could breathe again.  
The pain slowly died away and I began to see things  
differently. The sun could warm my face.  
I could even enjoy the rain.  
She gave me back my life. She gave me back my smile.  
But I couldn't tell her how grateful I was for everything she  
had done for me.  
  
The papers came a month after I had met Monica. It's funny that  
a piece of paper can make your whole world crumble. But it did.  
Divorce. Barbara was asking me for a divorce. I sat a long  
time just starring at the papers, just seeing that word. I  
had never believed that it would end like this. I had lived  
on hope, thinking that she might return to me one day. Maybe  
it was foolish to ever believe. But I had to. I loved her.  
She was my wife. But she had made it clear that she didn't  
want me anymore. She had shut me out of her life the day  
Luke went missing. Maybe I shouldn't blame her. We were two  
in this marriage. Some blame was on me. Maybe I didn't love  
her enough, maybe I worked too much, maybe I didn't see her.  
Maybe...  
  
She came to me the next day with a small box in her hands.  
I wish I could say that she looked terrible but she didn't.  
She was shining. Her hair was longer and she had gotten some  
colors back on those cheeks. She was so beautiful.  
I had a hard time speaking as I let her into my new home.  
My wife. Barbara. I had dreamt about this moment for so long  
now. Her coming back to me. But I knew the reason why she  
had come and that hurt.  
I sat down beside her on the couch taking her in. God, she  
was beautiful.  
"Why have you come, Barbara? To torment me? To hurt me?"  
"John, don't do this..."  
"Do what? You started it. You started it when you  
gave me this."  
I gave her the divorcepapers.  
She sighed and looked at me.  
"Don't make it harder than it has to be."  
"Harder. Harder! You're my wife and no papers can change that!"  
"You don't understand. I have met somebody..."  
Pain. That old friend of mine came back to haunt me. I never  
thought...  
"He's name is James and he wants to marry me."  
For the first time in a long time I realized how foolish I had  
been. I had kept hoping for something that never would happen.  
I had lost her a long time ago.  
"But..."  
"My reason to coming here today wasn't to hurt you."  
"It has just been about a year since Luke and you want to get  
married."  
"Don't do this, John. I don't want to drag up the past. I  
didn't come here to fight."  
"Dragging up the past. He was my son!"  
"And he died!...."  
I could see sorrow in her eyes as I looked at her.  
"Don't do this, Barbara. Please, I beg you. Come back to me."  
I had vowed along time ago that I wouldn't beg. But I had no  
proud when it came to her. I had no proud when it came to my  
heart. My heart still loved her.  
"I can't do that, John. I have moved on."  
She was crying now.  
"We could start over. We could..."  
"It's too late and I think you know that. I'm happy. He makes  
me so happy."  
I wanted to hate the man that had taken her away from me. But  
I couldn't do that to her. She deserved all the happiness that  
life could bring her. I just wished it could be mine.  
My vision was blurry as I took the papers and signed my name.  
This is letting go.  
"Thank you. I will always love you. Never forget that."  
Than she rose from the couch and looked at me. She put the  
the box on the coffeetable and said:  
"Goodbye, my love."  
Than she walked out of my life.  
  
I sat there along time just starring at the box. Finally I  
worked up the courage to open it. Tears filled my eyes as I  
looked inside. It contained pictures from days gone by. Days  
when I held happiness with both hands. It was pictures from  
our wedding. I smiled when I remembered that day. I can still  
remember every detail of that day. It will never leave me.  
Than I found pictures of Luke. I froze. I closed my eyes in  
a weak attempt to shut the pain out. But I couldn't.  
Luke. I went through the pictures, remembering everything.  
His first step. His first words. The first tooth. The first  
bike.  
My boy. My son.  
I closed my eyes and surrendered to my pain.  
  
Monica found me and she came to me without question. She  
held me and let me cry against her shoulder. She never asked.  
She understood.  
As the darkness chased away the sun outside my window I fell  
asleep in her arms and lost myself in beautiful dreams.  
  
When I woke it was still dark outside. She was sleeping by  
my side. I slipped from her without waking her. I walked up  
to my window and looked out.  
The moon chased the clouds outside.  
I knew I had come to a crossing in the road. I could take the  
path of sorrow and fall deeper and deeper into the life I  
lived. Or I could pick myself up and walk on. I could win  
this. I could survive this. I knew I had strength left. I  
refused to surrender. Not yet. He wouldn't want me too.  
"You're awake."  
Her voice brought me back to reality.  
"Yes."  
"Are you okay, John?"  
"Yes. I have never felt better."  
I turned and looked at her. My friend. My savior. I smiled at  
her.  
I know I will be okay. I know he's watching over me.  
I will survive and someday we'll meet again.  
I don't know where life will take me. All I know that I can't  
stay here anymore. I will be strong enough and I will find  
my way back to happiness.  
One day I will be free.  
  
Feedback......j_rothen@yahoo.se 


	3. Rise

Title: Cry (3/4) - Rise  
Author: Jessica ( j_rothen@yahoo.se )  
Rating: PG  
Category: Doggett/other, Doggett angst, V  
Feedback: Yes please, j_rothen@yahoo.se  
Spoiler: None  
Archive: Wherever, just let me know where  
Website: www.geocities.com/jlovesxfiles  
Summary: Doggett tries to pick up the pieces of his broken self and  
continue with his life.  
Disclaimer: The X-files, Mulder and Scully belong  
to FOX and they are not mine.  
Note: English is not my first language so spelling/grammar  
mistake may occur.  
  
"Well I don't know if I'm ready  
To be the man I have to be...."  
(From "With arms wide open" by Creed )  
  
-----------------------------------------------------------  
Cry (3/4)  
Rise  
  
I know it's time for me now to let go of the life I once had.  
I know it's silly to hold on to memories. But I need them.  
I need them like the air that I'm breathing. I know I said  
that I would be okay. I lied. It comes days when I fall so  
deep in that dark whole of despair. Faces from the past comes  
back to haunt me and I weep for what I once had.  
I know that I should be strong and pick myself up and move on.  
But it's not easy. They say that life goes on. What do they  
know. It's feel like my life is on hold. Like I'm waiting for  
something or someone that can take me away from all of this.  
Monica Reyes has left me. I will tell the truth. She didn't  
leave me. I left her. I didn't want to hold her back. She is  
my friend and I can't ask her to carry around my pain anymore.  
She needs her own life. So I let her go and wished her luck.  
It was the only way.  
I still miss her, though. We talk on the phone these days and  
she asks me how everything is going. I lie and say that  
everything is great. I don't want to disappoint her. She  
tells me about her life and she sounds really happy. I'm glad.  
She deserves all the happiness life can bring her.  
  
As soon as our divorce was final Barbara married again. She  
send me a letter. I never read it. I tore it into pieces and  
threw it away. Maybe it's not fair but it's still hurts.  
She has moved on. She's happy. I should be happy for her.  
Believe me, I have tried. But I just can't. I still love her.  
I just wish sometimes that I could stop feeling this way.  
I'm still clinging to memories.  
  
These days my life is my job. I live for it. I breathe it.  
I hate going home to that old apartment. So I stay on the job  
as long as I can. When night creeps closer I begin my wandering  
through the streets of this town. I drift in and out of bars  
and clubs.  
I never take one drink. I have stopped drinking. I haven't  
taken one drink since that night she saved me. That is my  
promise to her and I intend to keep it.  
They know my face now. I don't know why I go to those places.  
Maybe I'm just in need of human contact. I never talk to anyone  
and they mostly leave me alone. I sit by the bar or in the  
corner of some club watching the faces of the people who drift  
by. Then when my body screams for sleep I go home and let  
myself go. I never dream these days. My dreams are beyond  
control.  
This is my life. This is the life of John Doggett.  
  
Zombie. I move through the room like a zombie, not quite dead,  
not quite alive. I live between lives. Only half alive.  
That's me. I have accepted everything now. Nothing is going  
to change.  
Jake Connor, my partner, is watching me like hawk. I'm  
grateful. He has tried to make me open up. But I won't. I  
can't. This is one thing I have to do on my own. I know it  
will take time. Time is one thing I have.  
  
Her name was Laura. She was just a face in the crowd at first.  
But somehow she saw me and broke free from everything and  
approached me. I was sitting at a table in some bar, somewhere,  
starring into the bottom of my glass. I was alone as I wanted  
to be. I need to be.  
"Can I buy you a drink?"  
I looked up and saw her standing there. She was nothing like  
Barbara. She was tall but slim. She was dressed in a black  
dress. Her hair was dark, almost black, and long.  
I wanted to tell her to go away but it was something in her  
eyes that made me not to.  
"No. I don't drink."  
She smiled.  
"Than, can I buy you a cup of coffee or are you waiting for  
someone?"  
"No."  
"No to what? To the coffee or to that you are waiting for  
someone."  
I looked up at her. She smiled at me once again and I felt  
myself fall into her. I needed someone. I needed..  
I don't know.  
"No to that I'm waiting for someone."  
"May I sit down? My name is Laura Parker, by the way."  
She reached out her hand and I took it.  
"John Doggett."  
She sat down and looked at me. For one second I regretted ever  
speaking to her. I wanted to hide away from this life. I wanted  
to be the ghost, the zombie, I used to be.  
"So what do you do, Mr. Doggett?"  
"I'm a detective."  
"Oh, police. What kind? Murder?"  
"No. Fugitives."  
"Oh, I see."  
Laura Parker looked at the face of John Doggett and for the  
first time she found herself hesitating. She had seen him around  
several times. She had wanted to speak to him, but he had  
always managed to slip away from her. He was a loner. His  
face was the face of a man hurting. She could see the sorrow  
and the pain in his eyes as he looked at her. As she looked  
into his eyes she knew that she wanted to help him, if he only  
let her.  
"I'm a writer, myself."  
"Oh.."  
"Yes. I write children stories, mostly."  
She talked too much. I wanted to tell her to leave me alone.  
But the warmth in her smile and the kindness of her eyes won  
me over.  
"What about?"  
I looked at her and took her in, every part of her. She was  
an attractive woman. She looked to be around thirty, but I  
didn't want to ask.  
"Oh, everything. I love to write stories about knights and  
princesses..You know...It's the romantic in me."  
The coffee came half an hour a later and we sat there for a  
long time just talking. She mostly talked. I listened. But  
it felt nice. For first time in a long time I felt alive again.  
As I sat there listening to her stories about everything and  
nothing I found myself smiling again.  
  
The moon had come out to play when we exited the bar. Somehow  
I just didn't want this night to end. She was a stranger to  
me. But somehow I felt at ease when she was close to me.  
She smiled at me as she buttoned her coat.  
"Take a walk with me, Mr. Doggett."  
"John."  
"Okay, John."  
She walked up to me and took my hand in hers. I wanted to back  
away, avoid her touch. But I didn't. I let her take it. It  
felt so nice to walk there beside her, listening to the sound  
the night made.  
She smiled and said:  
"I think this is the start of a beautiful friendship."  
For the first time in a long time I laughed.  
  
She was like a warm breeze into my life. She warmed my  
frozen heart and made me believe in the future again.  
I never knew it than, but she was exactly the one I needed.  
She was right. That night was the start of a beautiful  
friendship. I still smile when I think about that night.  
I don't know why she chose me. I don't even know what this  
will take me. But I need her. Even though I just might be for  
a week or a month. I will cherish every moment I get to spend  
with her.  
  
I think it's amazing that a smile can make you feel so great.  
Her smile makes me feel like I can fly. She makes me laugh.  
She gave me something no one else has been able to give me.  
She gave me back my life. She made me feel alive again.  
Don't get me wrong. I'm grateful for everyone of those who  
has been there for me. Monica, Barbara. But she was someone  
else. She was not like them.  
I look at her now and I can't help but smile. It has been  
almost a month since our first meeting. She has moved slowly  
with me. It took two weeks for me to open up and tell her  
about the darkness in my life. She sat there, just listening  
and when I was finished she took me in her arms and just held  
me. She never presumed to understand what it might be like  
to loose a child. She just held me.  
She moves through my home like she lives here. I like that.  
I can hear her singing as she moves around my kitchen. She  
has promised me dinner. I just can't wait.  
I rise from the coach and walk up to the doorway to my  
kitchen. She smiles as she sees me. She is standing by the  
window with the light behind her. She looks amazing. She looks  
so beautiful. As I stand there fear comes back to haunt me.  
I realize that I can fall in love with this angel god has given  
me. And that scares me.  
"Don't just stand there. Help me make the table."  
Without saying a word I start to make the table.  
Am I in love with her? How did I fall in love with her?  
Her hand touches mine just for a moment and I tremble.  
I look at her and for a moment I let go of everything. I don't  
care anymore. I don't care what's right or proper. I need her.  
I want her. I move closer to her. She doesn't back away. She  
doesn't say anything. My hands are trembling as I move in to  
kiss her. Her lips are warm under mine. She doesn't object.  
She moves closer to me and I feel myself fall. I taste her  
and find myself wanting more. I let go of everything that  
holds me down as I touch the sensitive skin at her back.  
Her hands find its way under my shirt. Her hands are warm  
against my skin. For a moment I break away from her. Without  
saying a word I take her hand in mine and lead her to my  
bedroom. I will not regret this. I will not fear love.  
The fear has left me now as I reach out my hand and she comes  
to me. In her eyes I can see promises for the future and for  
a moment I let myself believe that she will stay here with me.  
I go to her now with a heart unchained from the shackles of  
sorrow that once held it down.  
Maybe they are right after all. Maybe time does heal wounds  
or maybe love has mended mine. The love from strangers.  
  
I lay beside her a long time listening to her breathe ebb and  
flow. I can still taste her. She gave herself totally to me,  
without questions or hesitations and I love her for it.  
Maybe there is no such thing as the love of your life. Maybe  
your heart is capable of loving several times. All I know is  
that I will love like this is my final day on this earth. My  
life has tought me that never take anything for granted and  
I'll never do that. I will love her as long as she lets me and  
when she leaves me or if she ever leaves I will be grateful  
the days she brought magic into my life.  
  
I got to have her for five months. Than it was time for her  
to walk another path. A path different from mine.  
I had applied to the FBI, months before. She pushed me to  
follow my dreams. She made me believe in myself. She made me  
see that there was nothing I couldn't do.  
Laura had been offered a job as a writer for a paper in San  
Francisco. Her dream had always been to write for a paper.  
She will be following her dream as I will follow mine.  
She standing in the doorway to my living room with a suitcase  
in one hand. I have asked her if she wanted me to drive her  
to the airport. But she had refused. She smiles at me now.  
I will remember that smile until that day I'll die.  
"So, this is it for us."  
"No, this is not the end, John. We will meet again. I'm sure  
of it."  
I smile and rise from the coach. I walk up to her and put  
my arms around her.  
"I don't know how to thank you."  
"Thank me? For what?"  
"You saved me."  
"I did no such thing."  
"Yes you did. You saved me from myself. I was so sure that I  
could make it on my own that I never saw that I was just half  
alive."  
"John, I...."  
" So, thank you, Laura. Thank you, for understanding. Thank you  
for giving me back my life. Thank you for making me smile  
again. Thank you for the magic you brought into my life."  
I let her go and she looks up at me. She is crying.  
"I will remember you, John. I will always remember you."  
"And I will always remember you. You're an angel."  
She kisses my lips gently and than she breaks away from me.  
She starts to walk towards the door. She opens it slowly. She  
stops in the doorway and turns around.  
"Don't let life pass you by. Go out and live your life. I love  
you."  
"And I love you."  
And with a smile she walks out of my life.  
  
I stand here by my window watching her drive away. I can't  
help but smile. She will always live in my heart.  
I'm not afraid anymore. I thought I could run from the world.  
I thought I could hide away all my feelings. But she showed  
another life, another life that brought me love. I will  
always be grateful for what she gave me.  
I feel so strong. I feel like I can fly.  
Tomorrow I will start my training at the FBI. I'm following  
my dream.  
I'm alive.  
Here I'm.  
Stronger than ever.  
I smile at the sun and say:  
"Life, here I come."  
  
Feedback-----Please----j_rothen@yahoo.se 


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